Stuff men say

So I found a tall, Welsh, bearded rugby player on Bumble 👍🏻

They have question prompts on Bumble profiles and everyone is so bloody predictable:

Mountains or Beach?

Why do I have to choose, I pick both!

Yawn.

Bearded dragon however:

How did your year five teacher describe you?

A great shag.

Funny. Creepy but funny.

However he then followed it up with:

How would your mum describe you?

Also a great shag.

Actual lol.

I obviously messaged him on his excellent taste in jokes and he said I was the first one to notice….how so?! I’m clearly the only creepy lady on Bumble.

So I shared this with a colleague and one of his friends used to use the ‘chat up line’ :

I want to drink your dirty bath water

What the actual fuck?! I like creepiness but I think this is other level. The worse thing is that it sometimes worked 😱

Then there are the direct guys…one man wrote

I’m into push the thong to the side and straight in sex

He wrote this on his profile!

It’s a bit explicit but personally I would rather read that than this which is disappointingly common:

☑️ 6 foot tall (apparently that’s important)

☑️ Own house

☑️ Own car

☑️ Own teeth

☑️ No crazy ex

Which I find INSULTING TO WOMEN. Like that’s all we want. No need to tell me about what you’re interested in, what your personality is like. We just want very basic things, but obviously the hilarious joke about teeth makes it ok.

And then there are the cunts:

Looking for a women who knows how to look after herself

I mean… I know how to look after myself. I’m good at me time. I read, I buy myself donuts, I take naps. But I suspect ‘look after herself’ means ‘is skinny and waxed’.

And then the downright twatty:

Don’t swipe right if you’re punching above your weight

😒

Anyway, baby is awake so rant over for today

Bumbler

(NB : I’m very sorry if this hits your email. It’s entirely not relevant to May 2020. I wish I could work technology so you don’t get this spam. I can however confirm that the date was acceptable enough for some Sunday afternoon company for a few months until I found the guy I’m dating now. Waheeeyyyy, lads lads lads.)

Original July 2019 blog:

So Rita told me it would be good to wait at least nine months until I start dating again. This is very sensible. If you aren’t fully happy being single you may end up with someone who isn’t right for you just to avoid being alone, which is obviously not ideal.

Not to mention the sting of rejection, potential lowering of standards etc.

Then I read The Unexpected Joys of Being Single and thought yes this is totally fine. I will absolutely be single and happy.

Then I watched Katherine Ryan’s the Glitter Room and she pursuaded me being single is the actual best way to be:

‘I’m not lonely when I’m alone because I get to hang out with meeeee’

So true Katherine.

I was single and proud.

…but then I got inquisitive.

Sometimes I browse ASOS and don’t buy. Sometimes I buy and return. There is no commitment here. Just because I am purchasing, collecting and returning doesn’t mean I am SHOPPING.

Just like downloading Bumble, swiping around and messaging men isn’t technically DATING. However now I kind of want to meet people for drinks (and maybe more) but I’m not sure how I can sell that to myself as not dating.

I’m not six months in yet so maybe my maths needs work. Part of me is thinking sooo…this is a bad idea yes?? And the other is like MEN and maybe even ALCOHOL there are no downsides here! (I know there are potentially many many downsides but you will need to humour me).

Now on the basis that I am super nosy and would like to see other people’s profiles I thought I would show mine below. The unwritten rule is that photos are from the last year or maybe two. Now I have spent the last year or two either pregnant or with a baby on me in every photo so I had to be ‘flexible’ on this. My profile picture was pre wedding which I thought was quite a massive cheat (three years, oops). However, I still fit in those clothes, I still have that hairstyle, I checked with friends I still look like that and although my face may be a little wrinklier now I don’t think you could tell from a full shot with glasses in the way anyway. So I feel almost totally justified in this and only slightly guilty of miss-selling.

(also can you see the dumbell symbol where I put ‘sometimes’. lol.)

S

Two of the photos were taken a few days before I got my account so I feel that balances out the older ones…and it’s not like someone would meet me and not recognise me. However it did make me realise how boring I am, I am 99% dressed in a striped blue top and skinny jeans.

So I’ve been chatting to lots of men. I even got asked out a few times, but I wasn’t into them enough for all the hassle that meeting someone requires so I didn’t message back. Which I know is twatty but I think standard procedure? Then a fourth guy asked me out and he looked OK. We hadn’t chatted much (so no opportunity to drop the I have a child thing into conversation) so I said yes let’s meet up in the same message as mentioning I have a child. No response. Nevermind…you win some you lose some.

However the next day I was back in the game, I’m now trying to organise a date (which involves lots of logistics) with someone. I don’t even know how many messages we’ve sent back and forth so maybe when we meet there will be nothing left to talk about. But I’m hoping that I will have coordinated it so that I can have a few drinks. So even if I don’t get on that well with them then it’s an afternoon or evening with alcohol and no baby to worry about WIN and WIN.

So if I can ever get a weekend day when my dad is free to take the baby and I am free and the guy is free then I shall absolutely update the Internet as to how it went.