Out of office on

Just a quick post for anyone who is visiting and wondered where the last 150 posts had disappeared to.

Yesterday I googled my name and it linked here, annoyingly straight to a blog titled poo-nado…not my finest piece of writing. It was quite literally shit.

I always thought my tiny blog would be really hard to find, when I started I would Google an exact title of a blog post I’d written with the words ‘Emily Bea and me’ and it was nowhere in the top few search pages. I felt like I could freely pour out details of my car crash emotional life / unnecessary vagina info / requests for things to be shoved up my bum during childbirth and it was all good fun because the only people reading it came from my ‘close friends’ list on Instagram.

16,000 hits later I have accidentally boosted my SEO so that my name or even ‘single mum yorkshire’ show the site on the first Google page. I feel a lot less anonymous now and am somewhat questioning my choices on the basis that anyone who knows my name can now find out a whole lot more. Way too much more.

I have the tendency to get a bit ranty. At best my blog may give an embarrassing impression of who I am. At worst I probably seem like a hypocritical, self entitled, whiney, greedy, man hating prick.

I started the blog as a way of pouring my heart out and getting me off mindless Netflix binges. I also thought that any other recently dumped mums may find it and sympathise and maybe feel a bit better like we’re all in this shit boat together (but ten months later I can honestly say I do actually like my boat).

So it was never an Instagram friendly piece of self marketing, but it may have gone a little too far the other way. The site where you go when you’ve had a bad day because it’s always fun to go… ah fuck at least I’m not her.

Anyway I couldn’t bear to delete the whole site so all the posts are now private. Perhaps a bit of a knee jerk reaction and maybe I will post some more or make some of the old posts public again.

But for now thanks for reading. Thanks to all my real life friends who used to check in daily and message me on the days where I was writing particularly crazy stuff.

Even bigger thank you to the darlings who would post cards / chocolate / wine / flowers.

Thank you to my Internet friends who sometimes check in on me even though we’ve never met and I am completely incompetent at basics like replying to messages.

2019 was in many ways a bit of a knob. But also it made me realise how lucky I am to be a woman being supported by other women. Women are fucking brilliant and I’m optimistic that 2020 will also be that.

Books for a divorcing single mum

Here are a few books that I’ve enjoyed since finding out that ’till death do us part’ actually meant 2.5 years and a baby. I’m not bitter, I’m not bitter at all.

(I’ve actually read way way more as I’m constantly reading but not constantly reading about divorce, do message me if you like a bit of book chat)

Split, a story of love betrayal and divorce. Suzanne Finnamore

I so enjoyed this book, it was both funny and heartbreaking but always honest. The woman is a gorgeous media type living in California, she is well off with a beautiful home and friends to casually drink champagne with over brunch. You wouldn’t think it would be relatable but the lines like this one you realise we all have the same struggles:

“I am drunk in front of the television, chain-smoking. I have not bathed in two days.”

(before the mum shamers see this – as a breastfeeding non smoking woman I substitute alcohol and cigarettes for donuts and cake. Not ideal but not worth calling social services for)

But it isn’t all stark truth bombs on falling apart, there are some inspirational parts and it really ends on a high:

“You learn that it can be a life-enhancing gift, and not just a wound taken in a heart-game called marriage. Finally, you understand that the game isn’t to get your husband back, or to get a new one. The game is to get free”

She is also very amusing, I would like to have her as my friend.

The Kick Ass Single Mom, Emma Johnson

I don’t think I would like Emma as my friend. I think she would judge me and my pessimism. She is one of those people Americans would call a Type A personality. The book is quite money focused which is fair enough, money makes the world go round and all that, but I think she is absolutely coming from a place of priveledge which we can’t all tap into.

Her general view is that children should spend their time 50/50 between their parents and as such there is no need for child maintenance to be paid. She also thinks that if you work hard enough you can absolutely make enough money to be very successful in life to support yourself and your children easily and well without any help. My view is that my little baby should have one primary carer and spend the majority of time with me so that she feels settled and attached. Also my soon to be ex husband planned this family with me and is the only father she has so he can bloody well pay child support.

“A Kickass Single Mom never plays victim. You are responsible for your life. You are not allowed to blame your ex… when times get tough. You are never, ever, ever entitled.”

I however do agree with her views on dating and sex. Pretty much go out and have sex and have fun. No reason to pretend to your children that you aren’t dating as they aren’t stupid and will see through it. Just don’t introduce a man to them until you know its serious. Don’t date twats; you are better off single. Don’t waste time being self conscious, there are probably less attractive women than you out there dating and having sex and a fabulous time – think like them. Fair enough.

“If a person does not add to your life and bring you joy when you are together, he or she must go.”

Playgroups and Prosecco

This is funny, I was enjoying it when I thought it was her own real life story and then I thought hang on there are too many funny goings on here and I googled it and it’s basically chick lit. But the author is a good blogger (Slummy Single Mummy) so at least she has experienced being a single mum.

She doesn’t know, but I once saw her crouched behind the sand table, eating loose Wotsits out her handbag, so I recognised a kindred spirit.”

Wild, Cheryl Strayed

Now this one isn’t specifically about divorce and she isn’t a single mother. BUT her life was at a very low point after a divorce but she picked herself up and did an insane cross country hike up the west coast mountain range in the US.

I think she is pretty inspirational. After reading this you will be like YEAH I CAN DO ANYTHING. And maybe want to buy some hiking boots and get walking.

I feel like this quote is pretty symbolic for life in general:

“The universe, I’d learned, was never, ever kidding. It would take whatever it wanted and it would never give it back.”

It was, however, written about a lost hiking boot (this book will ring a bell if you’ve seen the Gilmore Girls Netflix reboot when Lorelai almost did the hike but couldn’t pack her bag).

Confessions of a Single Mum, Amy Nickel

No divorce here, just a twatty boyfriend type person who dumped her when he found out she was pregnant. It is a funny personal account of her life:

I totally excuse them for not being mega turned on by swollen everything (and I mean EVERYTHING – thanks to my waxer for letting me know that little titbit)

The Unexpected Joy of Being Single

The woman who wrote this writes for cosmopolitan and uses that amusing glossy magazine style writing. However it is jam packed with psychological input, various studies and links to many other experts and books so you can absolutely go off on a tangent on whatever takes your fancy like I did here.

There are loads of interesting facts like this:

“experts at Rutgers University said that a break-up causes an incredibly similar reaction to drug withdrawal. Brain-imaging scans showed similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving

“Ingrained neural pathways are the route of least resistance” so basically your stupid brain just goes off towards your ex not because he was the love of your life but because its used to going off that way

But she also has some funny anecdotes of her dating past, such as this text she once received:

‘You’re undeniably lovely, but crazy. Goodbye. P.S. Please stop calling me.’

If you’re only going to read one book I say read this one because it’s brilliant.