This is totally going to screw up the chronology of the diary entries but hey ho.
I’ve gotten behind on the blog and I’ve been avoiding social media. The social media bit meant I got two weeks in without realising Handmaid’s Tale has come back on TV. Shocking. Thank goodness for the Guardian alerting me to this. I really enjoy Handmaid’s Tale. I love the soundtrack as well. Also enjoyed that little bus threat June made to her new twat of a walking companion. Don’t fuck with June.
I’m including WhatsApp in social media so apologies if it took me an age to respond to your message (nothing new there you are thinking).
I’m also feeling a bit down (again…nothing new there). Emily has been poorly so after getting home from swimming on Monday morning we have been house bound. This snotty lady won’t be welcome at any baby groups. She doesn’t understand the hygiene and social reasons behind covering your mouth and nose. I have had lots of mucus projectiles into my face but am somehow not ill yet.
I am however feeling all kinds of self pity. I know this isn’t an attractive trait or at all helpful towards feeling better again but sometimes you just wallow. (I just wrote wallaw and had to Google the spelling…more evidence my brain is shutting down). I’m stuck in the:
‘I’m so lonely’
‘no one wants to spend their life with me’
‘no one wants me’
‘it’s not fair’
And of course…
‘I will never have sex again’
Which is a bit silly as I imagine the key to finding someone who does want to spend their life (and have sex) with you is not by hanging out in your snot smeared pyjamas, binge eating sugar laden foods and feeling sorry for yourself. (this is absolutely not a complaint to anyone who has sent me sugary presents, I fucking love sugary presents and people that give them)
As an aside if you are bored enough and Google male prostitutes you will get mininum ten minutes worth of amusement. This very much fuels my belief that men are insanely optimistic. Looking at some of the profiles and bios I wouldn’t have sex with these men if you paid me good money, let alone pay them for sex. I would love to show you some mugshots but that’s probably not legal / moral to post online for the purposes of mocking. Do your own research guys.
As well as googling male prostitutes I have also been getting in a mild panic about going back to work, how Emily will cope and how I will cope. Until now I just go with the flow. I don’t think my boss will be happy with my go with the flow attitude when I roll in at 11am with the baby because she fancied a lie in and didn’t want to go to nursery.
I’m also panicking about money, Emily’s future mental health after being abandoned at nursery before she is ready, never having another relationship, never having another baby, never having non baby related fun again. All the usual fun stuff to occupy your brain.
On that cheery note I had better go as I spend too much time thinking pointless thoughts and not enough time charging my phone. The baby is asleep on me and with 4% battery I’m giving in and switching off.