My therapist actually said it can be a good idea to draw up a wishlist of what you want in a man before you start dating. I think the idea is that once you start dating you can get swept up in the fun / romance / lust and waste your time and emotions on someone who isn’t right for you.
So here is my list, do feel free to bash me over the head with it if I find myself an arrogant, obsessive disciplinarian who withholds affection.
Be an introvert: I can’t handle someone who wants to be in big groups all the time or who seeks excessive stimulation and noise. It is too tiring for me.
Be kind and gentle: this is how I want to raise my daughter so if they aren’t this way inclined it would lead to big issues later.
Be relaxed: I’m not good with strict schedules, obsessive rule following or perfectionists. I need someone who is happy to go with the flow or I will drive them insane.
Be competent: I really hope this isn’t incompatible with the above. I don’t want someone whose version of relaxed is to let someone else do it. I already have one child. They need to be self sufficient and I hope have an awareness of what jobs are involved in being a functional adult.
Be liberal / open minded / non-judgemental and accepting of other people’s lives. To go off on a slight tangent… most people I know (myself included, even if I do act like ‘woe is me’ a lot of the time) have benefitted from so much privelege in their lives. So when I hear these people make sweeping statements about people on benefits having all this money to do whatever they want ‘buy massive TVs’ with no incentive to work etc etc. it really grinds my gears. I don’t want to be with someone who acts like there is a swarm of immigrants coming over just to steal our benefits. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t understand that homeless people are often a victim of circumstance rather than just ‘druggies’. I just don’t want to deal with people who have had easy lives judging those who have not.
Be affectionate: although I can be happy in my own company I would like someone who wants to be in my company and show affection. Sounds like a pretty obvious ask but I have never had a relationship where the other person actively seeks out my company and readily shows me affection. So if you read my bit on Attachment Styles I’m basically saying I cannot be doing with an Avoidant Attached.
Wants children: how I feel right now is that having more children is very important. I want Emily to have siblings and I want to have more for myself as well as for her. Maybe it is something I will have to change my mind about but right now it seems pretty important to me.
Wants to get outside: I can’t be with someone who is content to always be at home. I don’t need grand plans but I’m not a massive home body. Exploring new towns and cities, visiting museums, having breakfast or lunch out, hiking, photographing, sightseeing, enjoying nature – I just have to get out and have stimulation outside of my home and direct neighbourhood almost every day.
And the rest…
Now this is the list of things my therapist probably wouldn’t approve of…but it is my blog so I’ll do what I want with it:
– taller than me, preferably over 6 foot
– earning in the region of what I do or more
– not too fat or too skinny
– not too scruffy or too obsessed about how he looks
– aged 28 to 42 (I don’t want someone old enough to be my dad or young enough to make me feel old)
– must not have an annoying accent
– be able to provide good sex and lots of it. I mean who doesn’t want this?? I’m not so old and decrepid as to settle for infrequent and/or unsatisfying sex just yet
I am interested, do you think I am being greedy here? Does such a man exist?
Or have I been selling myself short for not demanding all of these things in the past?
If you have an opinion please do comment or DM me on social media / WhatsApp