7th May: A tiny traitor

So I technically can get things done when I’m looking after Emily. She is slowly gaining the ability to sit and amuse herself. But she does like a lot of attention and has a very strong interest in the cat food. I’ve worked out that if I put Emily at the far end of the living room I can wash up two items before she has crawled to the cat food in the kitchen (obviously my house is small). Then I have to pick her up and carry her back to the edge of the living room. I try to create an obstacle course but she quickly flings things out of the way. I thought the paddling pool full of balls would be a good obstacle but no she can drag that out of her way very quickly. I don’t know how she can be bothered. I would love to just sit still with a book all day. I know the obvious solution is a baby gate but I don’t own a proper drill anymore and keep forgetting to ask someone to bring one over so it has been sat in the kitchen for weeks being zero use to me.

Anyway long story to say that my Dad comes over once a week or so so that I can actually get something done. However I am permanently tired so by the time I had been to counselling, done a wizz around Asda and got home all I could be bothered with was a quick clean of the kitchen. I did however make roast chicken, mozzarella, mature cheddar and sweet chilli jam toasties which were good but also created lots of mess (especially when Emily got her sandwich and mixed vegetable and fruit sticks). I am so done with baby feeding mess, it’s way too much effort.

That was my second to last counselling session, just one more in two weeks time. I can have more but Bupa only approved a ten session block so I would have to either pay for them or phone Bupa and respond ‘most days’ or ‘every day’ to their questions…not that I’m saying I’m a Bupa cheat. The sessions are useful but I find that at the end of each one I feel really drained. Getting emotional and going through how close family relationships affect you is really exhausting, plus discussing all the anxiety and challenges ahead in single parent life.

Plus I am just confused by all the thoughts going around in my head. My husband left me but I still don’t have a clear grasp of why. And he has started occasionally talking in terms of ‘if we get back together’ which is really messing with my head. I’m so exhausted I don’t even know what I want. I’m torn between thinking I would never be comfortable in a marriage with him to thinking we should maybe get some counselling together to see if it is worth trying. But then he isn’t even saying he wants to be together so I don’t know why I’m thinking about it so much. It technically isn’t a decision I get to make anyway…but rather a decision that I will potentially get to make if he wants to make a go of things.

Back to the title…my little traitor has started saying her first words which are scarily like Dada. Obviously I am training her out of this before she sees him on Sunday as he will tell everyone about it – as if this proves he is number one father in the world. I’m thinking Dada isn’t too far away from ABBA. We both really enjoy Mamma Mia the movie so I’m going with that. Tiny little ABBA fan.

It wasn’t a photo heavy day – bit weird taking photos in counselling or Asda so here is my afternoon treat: cherry flavoured rooibus tea and cherry cake. Emily somehow fed herself to sleep then allowed me away from her long enough to get this ready. As soon as it was poured and steamy and looking very tempting on a rainy afternoon she woke up and I couldn’t have it till it was luke warm. Bloody babies.

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